Thoughts From Before

July 19, 2008 at 12:14 PM Leave a comment

J and I have been trying to conceive for about a month. I’ve been seeing pregnant bellies left and right and the sight of them just gets me all giddy and excited to be knocked up again. However, when it initially came down to start trying (pre-miscarriage) I got a bit scared. It’s weird. You’d think since we already have D, that I would be all gung-ho and stuff about having another.

Before the miscarriage, it was like I was paralzyed with fear. Not because we don’t know if we want more children but because I have no idea how to parent two children at one time. The thought crossed my mind momentarily that twins might actually be easier since you have two babies with the same developmental needs at the same time (more or less, you know?). If this preggers thing happens earlier than later, I’ll be giving birth a bit before D turns 2, which translates into a toddler and a newborn. What in the heck do I do? How do I give D enough attention to not let her feel neglected? Is it possible for me to devote myself to baby 2 as I did with D? How will I ever leave the house with two children? How will I ever have a moment to myself? How do I get them to nap together at the same time? What will our family bed look like? Will I pass out from exhaustion from breastfeeding two babies?

I could keep rattling on all the questions that constantly race through my head but then this would be more a novel than a blog post. With D, I poured myself over and into her life. I had time and attention to observe and get to know her. I’m not sure where this fear comes from that I won’t be able to provide number 2 with the same affection. I see moms out and about with two children all the time and they’re fully clothed and their hair is decently styled and they function and they live…So I’ll make it right?

The only difference since the miscarriage is that I know I want another now for sure. The worries and uncertainties are all still there but the desire is truly, truly there now. Here’s to a fun summer of trying =)


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