Notes to Self: Motherhood

January 3, 2008 at 6:08 AM Leave a comment

Motherhood scared the heck out of me. I have a crappy relationship with my mom and don’t even know my biological mother. The latter was a twentysomething mom who, as the story goes, walked away and left me with my father’s family to be raised (she left me because my family claimed me as their blood and she couldn’t just leave with their family member…so the story goes). With her she took my 3 half sisters and I’ve never heard from her in my 26 (soon to be 27 years). I’ve never cared to know who she is or where she’s at now, but I definitely worried that her sucky parenting skills were going to be her one gift to me. Luckily, I’m glad to report I’m nothing like her as a mother, I’m still present and thensome.

As for my relationship with the mom who raised me…plainly put it sucks. I’m honest about this relationship. I’m 26, she’s in her late 70s. She never trusted me or respected me and always rummaged through my belongings. She assumed the worst of me when I was a clean cut girl with excellent grades. I was frustrated growing up because it was impossible to connect with her. She saw her role as the detective- try to figure out what Carla is doing wrong, which boys she’s sleeping with, what she’s drinking and smoking. All of that could not have been farther from the truth. My role was to try and get through to her. I couldn’t understand then that we came from different generations and that my efforts were futile. Now a bit older and a bit wiser, I’ve come to accept that we will never have the dreamy relationship that is the thing of movies and sappy novels. I’m okay with that. We even, on the rare occassion, laugh together and that is a huge accomplishment.

Imagine my surprise when I slid into motherhood like a second skin. With no firsthand good example, I am growing into a pretty good mom. A lot of it, I believe, has to do with the fact that I’m just myself and I have a wonderful husband. We’re a great team together and approach parenthood in a very laid back kind of way. Here are some of the things I want to remember the next time around about motherhood:

-Calm down. Sometimes spit up is spit up, get the image of the girl from The Exorcist out of your mind. Follow J’s cool and collected lead when you begin to freak out.

-Be kind to all parents. I’m doing this now and I hope I always remember to be kind to parents. Motherhood/parenthood might come easy to some, but to others it’s a tough transition of losing oneself, finding a new personal dimension and sustaining a brand new life. That’s a big task to tackle.

-Make the choices that make you happy because a happy parent is a happy baby. If you need to get a mani/pedi to feel good about yourself, then go get one. It’s not frivolous and silly. It boosts your self-esteem and gives you time to yourself. Don’t worry if you take a 2 hour shower just to have responsibility-free time. It makes you a better mom when you finally exit the bathroom.

-Fuck everyone else. You’re the parent and what you say goes. No explinations required. Everyone should assume you’re making the best choice for your child, if they second guess it don’t sweat it. Smile and nod and do your thing anyways.

-Don’t be afraid to ask to be alone with your family (i.e. D, J and the new baby…not the extended family!). Your hormonal, bloated, leaking, bleeding- a walking zombie…it’s ok to kick everyone else out. They’ll get over it. And in the end it will make you a better parent.

-Stop and observe- A LOT! Time flies just like everyone says it will. Soak up as much as possible.

-Don’t forget your hubby! He needs some TLC. Hug him, kiss him, tell him you love him. Appreciate all that he does. He kicks ass as a daddy.

-Don’t be stubborn. Sleep!

-Take inspiration from the moms that inspire you. This may sound cheesy, but it’s true, surround yourself with moms that mirror the kind of mom you wish yourself to be. Now, I don’t necessarily go out and BFF them but read blogs of moms that inspire you, read books on moms with good stories to tell, talk to moms in your life that make you smile. It’s encouraging and helps to stay focused on the important things in life.

That’s all I could think of for now.


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I’m a Poser Mama Hearts Soule Mama

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